Everyone, it has been a long time since I last posted. A lot has happened.

( OD )

Please help me

I am broken.

I am alone.

I am in love with S.

She is younger than me.

She won't talk to me.

She won't look at me.

Its killing me.

I want to cry.

I can't.

I'm not aloud to show weakness.

My heart beats for her.

But no one will understand.

Get over it. They say.

I can't.

She is Beautiful.

She is funny.

 

She is outgoing.

She is smart.

And, oh that hair.

Those eyes.

I love her.

She hates me.

I hurt.

She smiles.

She's my everything.

Please, just talk to me.

Don't break me anymore.

I can't live with this pain.


ForgottenxDark
xx

Well things have changed since the last time I posted. My ex girlfriends friend was found in his bedroom saturday morning, he had hung himself. I saw how badly it broke her, and it broke me. I cannot do that to her again. Not now. I dont know if ever, but right now she needs me because I still love her, I cannot leave her.

ForgottenxDark
xx

So me and my friend are planning on committing suicide together. We don't know how yet, but we are still argueing about it. Like she does not want me to die and I do not want her to die either.  Also, we are scared that only one of us will actaully die. We both know we cannot live knowing we let the other on die right in front of us. and that we cant live knowing we let them leave all the people that love them. Also, if one of us dies, the other can be convicted of murder... well accomplice to murder.

It is so hard. Like we want to so bad... but I dont know. We are confused, but we dont want to live any more. Like could I watch her die in front of me? What if I survive? Or she survives? What if we both go, or just one, or neither? It is so much to think of... ust needed to post it.

ForgottenxDark
xx

Hi,

So everything is still not okay with my new love interest. Her sister found out right, and was uncomfortable with it, but now she is better. But the actual girl I'm in love with won't even talk to me. She won't even barely look at me and it is slowly killing me. I am not a very patient person, so it is very hard for me.

It was a mistake telling her that I like her, and I regret it so bad. I wish that I could take back what I said, but I know I can't. Everytime I see her, she will look at me, but than try to avoid seeing me as much as she can. But other times she will talk to me like nothing is wrong. It kills me to live like this.

I don't know if she is scared of me, or if she is acting like this because her friends or someone is influencing how she acts. I don't know, but I cannot live like this. Seeing her at school makes me happy, but at the same time, it hurts because she won't talk to me. But it hurts a hell of a lot more when I don't see her at all.

If I had not told her about how I felt towards her, than nothing would have changed. We would stil be friends, maybe even better friends now. I hate myself for what I did and I can't live without her in my life somehow. I realize that now. I know I will never be able to call her my girlfriend, but I cannot live without being able to call her my friend.

So to close off, I'm broken inside, and no one can fix it but her. But she does not even notice me or talk to me, so I'm screwed. She cannot help me if she chooses not to see me.

I Love S.

ForgottenxDark
xx

Guys, I found a new girl... and I was really starting to fall for her. So I put a secret admirer letter in her locker... but she is 5 years younger than me... anyways, my one friend knew about the letter but we got in a fight. So I thought she would tell this new girl, so I freaked out and told her it was me. Well she just said it was okay and that she was not mad, but as soon as she could, she got away from me. I confronted her, and than she would not talk to me. I fucked up. So I sent her an email telling her that I was sorry and that all I wanted was for her to be happy, so I would not talk to her anymore. No I'm broken and crying so hard. I feel like im dying. I think I'm in love with her. I cant live like this. Not seeing her in the halls for like 5 seconds hurts. I sat online one day for 12 hours waiting to talk to her.... and I only got to talk to her for 5 minutes, but I was happy. Now I have to try and not talk to her, or walk in the halls to see her. I love her smile, her laugh her hair, her everything. I never thought I would ever do this again, but I love her. My heart is breaking inside me and I cant breathe. Someone please help me. Anyone, I cannot live like this. If she wont talk to me or look at me, I will die.

God I love you S.

forgottenxdark
xoxo

It has been a long time since I have posted. A lot has happened. Well you all know about me boyfriend, well we broke up. He cheated on me. He told my friend that we had broken up, and they did things. The next day he told her we hadn't broken up. She told me everything and is so angry at him. She feels bad for what she did and she won't barely even talk to him. So obviously we broke up. I still have feeligns for him, but I cannot give him a second chance, even if he wanted one. It is just part of my morals.

Next thing, my ex-girlfirends birthday. Well i had a dozen roses sen to the school, with a card saying "I Love You" on it, but without my name. She had always told me how cute it would be for smoeone to send her flowers to the school, so I did. I was nervous that her boyfriend would take credit for them, but he didn't because he had already given her half a dozen roses (cheap bastard).

( Party )
Now I sit here writing all this out to the best of my ability. My heart is hollow now. It use to hurt, but now it really feels empty. And you know when you are sad and you think of one person you need at the moment. Myabe it is your mom, your best friend, God. Well, last night I could not think of anyone who could help me. I realized right than, I may have many friends who love me dearly, but none of them I can go to. I came here. This is the only place I feel safe.

The first thinkg I thought of doing was drinking myself to death. Like I could since I am such a light weight. Or maybe take a bunch of my moms sleeping pills. Or both. Or even walk out into oncoming traffic.

I cannot deal with her walking all over me anymore. I cannot protect her from what we had. She believes she is happy becasue of her boyfriend, but she does not realize she is only happy because I protect her from the school finding out about her past. If I was not, she would not be happy. I am not longer going to protect her. I am going top finish my two books, and than, I can not do anything else. Those two books are the last things I need to complete. I graduated, and that was one thing I promised myself I would do before I died.

I will try to keep you all posted. I am very busy next week, but I will try to post again by next saturday at the latest.

ForgottenxDark
xoxo

Hey, its been a long time since I posted anything on here. I've been really busy. I got a boyfriend. Which is surprising considering some of my previous posts. I'm still nervous to be with him, considering that I have never been with a guy. It was all with the girl. He knows about her and he knows because he can see how I look at her and the way she looks at me. But he does not mind, and I even told him that if she ever wanted me back I would go to her. And he said that that would be the right thing to do because I should be with the one who will make me the happiest.

But it still surprises me that he figured out I loved her and she Loves me just by the way we look at each other. *sigh* I still love her with all of me heart. We were together and acted like a couple for about two years. And weird thing is, people say it takes you half as long to move on from someone than how long you were with them. So two years, that would mean it would have taken me one year to move on. Well she moved on one year ago, the day I started to date my boyfriend. That is exactly one year it took me. Creepy.

But how I do still miss her.

Anyways, things are good that way. On a different topic, I started drinking again. I use to drink back in grade 8 and 9 but I was a total alcoholic. I was drunk most of the time at school and drank at school. So I quit when me and my girlfriend started dating. Now i drink again.... like the same... but I am keeping away from being drunk at school.

On another topic. I have started to smoke again. No one knows. I found a full pack of smokes and well started to smoke them. No one knows, and I am terrified for someone to find out. But no one has noticed,

Other than that my life is better. I dont feel as depressed right now, except for the fect the love of my life still does not want me even though it is obvious she is jealous that I have a boyfriend now. But I will wait forever if I have to.

ForgottenxDark
xx

"What is the point of working if you can't dance?"

I had a funeral today for my pet. (I am not releasing her name for privacy purposes). She passed away a couple days ago, and I had to work the funeral around my friends. Yeah for a pet, there was like 8 of my friends there. But anyways, the girl I love said she would come. It made me happy that she would, but today at the end of the day, she said she did not want to come. Which i was okay with, but I still asked why. She told me she could not stand seeing my pet put into the ground. it would be too hard. That was a reliable enough answer for me.

Or I thought.

We got a drive back to my place, and I saw her walking home holding her boyfriends hand. My one friend said I should text her a freak cause it hurt to see her with him, not just cause I love her, but also because she was choosing not to come to the funeral for him. I knew right away that that was the reason she did not come. When I was asking her if she wanted to come, he was looking right at her. Like he was forcing her not to come.

I wish I would have said yes when she asked if it was going to hurt me if she did not come. I told her that it was okay, and that she could come over later to say her goodbyes. God I hate myself. I only had her and my pet. NOw i lost her and my pet, I feel alone.

But this alone is different. I have never felt this alone in so long. WHen all the shit that happened in my past happened, at least my pet was there, to talk to, or hold. Now that she has passed away, I have nothing. I feel so depressed and empty. Like utterly empty. It feels like I cannot breathe or think, or even see. I can't explain how i truly feel, but I wish I could so someone would understand.

I know I could go get another pet, but it is way to soon. I cannot just replace the one i just lost. I cried so hard when she died, and when we buried her. I wish I could tell someone how I feel. Someone here with me, you know? But this is the only place I know I can write and get someone to talk to.

I have never felt this alone in my life, and I do not want to be. I feel like dying, but I am so alone, it already feels like I am dead. But what hurts the most is that no one even see how gone I really am.

ForgottenxDark
xx